In the past few weeks I have been replying to a number of questions that revolve around this central question of change. In all of these the issues revolve around relationships.

Changing directions in relationships for different results
The central problem in all of these questions was the inability to understand that a change in one’s approach is needed to create change in an external life situation.

Relationships are what enable life-events to take place. How we deal with these creates opportunities for the delivery of results–our ‘karma’ and karmic consequences.

This applies to every situation because all situations are ultimately dependent on relationship interactions.

Negative benefits of pain, illness
In every discussion and correspondence we had on this subject in the past few weeks we found that the person was thinking that the situation they were in was specifically created to trouble or pain them.

Whether it was a cheating husband (‘I am so hurt–I can’t forgive him…’), or a series of failed relationships with men (‘Why do my relationships fizzle out after some time?’), and other similar questions.

What is the gain?
The puzzlement in every case came from not realizing that people respond to situations under the incentive of gain and loss. The benefit in relationships can be negative and still be taken as a benefit. This may be at a very subconscious or instinctive level.

For example, a person falling sick is able to get attention from family and friends. If that is the only way they get some attention energy, then it becomes in their interest to fall ill. The body will provide the desired condition. So the negatives are actually a negative benefit.

Doesn’t happen, you say?

Change doctors when getting better!
Well, think of someone you know who changes doctors frequently. Their family member may tell you that they cannot understand why he changes doctors just when he is beginning to respond to treatment.

Or, think of someone you know who needs to be physically assisted when there are people around them, but can manage when they think no one is around. The illness in these specific cases is a negative (? positive) benefit here.

The Secret to Change–
It is about the other, not yourself
We can change things in an unwanted existing situation by focusing on what will benefit the other in the relationship or interaction.

Where we have made it about ourselves rather than the other, we have lost focus on the reasons that the situation exists. We are driven by our own concerns and try to deal with incoming responses from others without seeing what motivates the others to respond to us the way they do. We act as though only our personal interest in the matter will rule the outcome. This does not happen.

When we lose this point of reference, we perpetuate the situation without being able to change it because we are looking for power, strength, at the wrong place. We are out of step with the reality of the situation.

Finding the Power to Change

When we begin to see what motivates the other person in the interaction or relationship with us, we get a more realistic idea of how much power each has in the relationship.

This balancing and re-balancing of power is what makes a relationship dynamic. Where there is a static balance where one or both persons are unable to change their standpoint of action, things continue in a deteriorating way to a natural end-point of collapse.

Keep the blame and keep the pain
The bottom line is that in any painful situation by blaming someone or something, we are saying we will not move or change anything. Someone else is responsible for rectifying the situation, we say. We will keep waiting for someone else to change things. In the meanwhile the pain will continue, the situation will continue. This blaming and inaction on our part creates resistance to change.

To forgive or not to forgive?
Forgiveness is the giving up the act of judging, blaming, giving up of holding the other responsible for one’s pain.

It does not mean I shall forget what the other did.

It only means I shall not hold him responsible because it is finally my karma or actions that attract this result. At the same time, I reserve the right to take appropriate action–and be ready to face the further consequences of my actions.

Not forgiving means keeping the pain. How valuable is this pain that you want to keep? What is the negative benefit?

Take responsibility for actions and be free of pain
Not taking responsibility for my actions or inaction is what perpetuates the existing condition of pain and lack of change.

As long as I wait for some outside force to change my life without my participation in owning responsibility for whatever action-decision I take–positive change is not happening.

My negative benefit, change
This is my negative benefit–disowning responsibility and thinking I am blameless. I become the ‘innocent victim’. Also, I do not need to change my ego-position or how I view myself in this situation.

Change takes place only when we change our direction and action in harmony with the power of the situation.

Keepers of the pain

• Keeping the negative benefit means keeping the pain
• Not forgiving means keeping the pain.
• Not owning responsibility means keeping the pain.
• Raking up old crimes others did against me means keeping the pain.
• Feeling guilty (negative benefit–‘I’m so bad!’) means keeping the pain.
• Blaming oneself means keeping the pain.
• Giving away one’s power to act means keeping the pain.
• Inaction means keeping the pain.
• Waiting for ‘someone else’ to act means keeping the pain.
• Resistance to change means keeping the pain.

Finally, keeping the pain means no gain. Ask yourself what you want to keep with you at the end of the day.

Most importantly, ask yourself–“Why?” and request the karma-changing KQ Force to guide and help you.

Blessings, love and light for success–Be with the Force!

Nalin K. Nirula